What happened to me? Things. Bad things. The very last things we want to happen.
We never expect the things that hit us the hardest. It's not like those things give you warning, or ample time to prepare. Hell, they aren't even the kinds of things you can prepare for. Even years of advanced warning results in utter devastation when it happens.
Your life gets derailed. Nothing seems right or normal.Everything has been upended, turned on its head; the future diverted to a new, unknown, and previously unexplored course. Anxiety skyrockets while depression begins to set in. And there's no one there to help.
So you're left trying to cobble together the pieces that no longer fit into a complete whole. Trying to be the adult you thought you were and do all the things that need doing. Trying to dive back into projects and plans, only to find you are totally unable to participate in life. Not just unable, but absolutely incapable of it. Doing the bare minimum and struggling so hard to find some kind of normal you can fit into. And feeling guilty the entire time because there are people excited for the next thing you're doing or working on - you were doing, past tense - and you feel like you've let people down.
Hell, you've let yourself down, but you have no idea how to fix it. How can you, when everything is so wrong and just plain broken?
My mother died.
And it destroyed me. Here was the one and only person in my life I knew I could always depend on. Who supported me 100%. Who thought I was amazing and always told me so, no matter what I thought of myself. The woman who beat breast cancer twice and defiantly stood against those who sought to bring her down. Who as a single mom raised the brat from hell (me) to become a strong, intelligent woman determined to work her ass off so one day, she'd be able to take care of the mother she loved with all her heart. My main goal in life was to a reach a place where I could make sure my mother wanted for nothing because I was taking care of it all.
I didn't get that chance. I didn't get the chance to repay her for all her love and support and laughter and lessons and life skills she gave me. I never got the chance to tell her to sit back and not worry because it's my turn now to give all she gave to me, and more, back to her. To make her golden years as bright and shiny and glorious as I possibly could.
And there was no family in the state, at all, when this happened. It was just me and my significant other. My mom had tons of family just a couple states away, but no one came to help. No one offered to help. None of them bothered to even call. I was left to clean out her house and rehome her pets and take care of all the legal paperwork and everything else that comes and all the things that need doing when someone dies. Everything was left to me and I had no help. I had no condolences from family. None of them fucking cared.
My mother was the most amazing person and the most amazing parent. She was my rock. And I lost myself for quite some time after she passed. She died May 29, 2016, and I am only just now beginning to feel like maybe I can function in the world again. That maybe I can give a huge "fuck you" to any of her side of the family who couldn't be bothered to get off their asses to be there for a grieving daughter who could barely keep it together. I doubt I will ever have any desire to see them again.
The bright side of this is my dad and I have somewhat reconnected. It's going slowly, and most of that is my fault - I have been struggling with just trying to get back to some kind of normal, some kind of normalcy where grief doesn't consume my whole life - and it's hard for me to get going with that. But I'm trying.
I am just now getting to a place where I can write again. Can do some art again. Can do more than sit in front of a video game and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist because that's the only way I could cope.
So, I've updated the computers that haven't been on in almost two years(!) and I've been going over notes and drafts. Awakening will be along in the (hopefully) near future. I will continue writing, and I will get this series going (along with my other ideas). Just be patient with me, please.
I've been doing art and I've set up an Etsy shop since I feel that art looks good on clothes. If you're interested, hit me up and I'll link you the page. I'm not sharing it in this post because I'm not trying to make money off my tragedy. That would be crass and disrespectful to my mother.
I've also moved. I was born in New York (the state, not the city) and was not originally from WV. As mentioned above, I had no family whatsoever there and no more ties to WV once mom died. While I love WV, it was time for a change. It was also a time to get the hell away from snow and cold, which is how I ended up in Florida. It's beautiful and it's always warm, and I love it here.
So hold your loved ones tight, and tell them how much they mean to you today. Don't wait, because there might not be a tomorrow. If you take nothing else away from this blog post, take away that our existence is fleeting and there is no time better than the present to let your family and friends know just how much they mean to you.
As for me, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm reasonably certain it's not a freight train heading my way (thanks Metallica), and I'm hopeful that this new, scary chapter in my life that's starting to unfold will see me finally find some peace.
Love to you all xoxox