Monday, March 18, 2013

How NOT to Review a Book (For Complete Morons)

Ok, I've now come across so many examples of heinous book reviewing that I decided to make a post about it.  Feel free to share this among others as these people, scarily enough, really do exist and I believe they could be greatly helped by the following tips.

1.  Don't rate down a book you haven't even read because you don't like the price.

I'm serious here--I have personally seen several examples of this myself.  A random person gets on a book page and gives it a one or two star rating because they think the book is too expensive.

This does not help anyone, anywhere, readers.  First, the more expensive books are usually sold by publishing companies, and the prices are set by those companies, not the authors.  If you want to bitch about the price, contact the company directly.  Don't hurt an author's career because you're a whiny asshole who can't be bothered to go to the library and borrow it for free, and instead feel you must throw your negligible weight around by dissing something you haven't even read.

2.  Don't rate down a book because it has words you don't know.

Yes, I was recently informed that this example really, truly occurred.  A reader rated a book down because there was ONE word the reader was unfamiliar with in the story.  Instead of, you know, using Dictionary.com and learning something new, the reader reamed the author a good one because the author dared use a word the reader didn't know.

If you are that reader, you should be pimp slapped. Seriously.

3.  Don't rate a book down because you don't like the genre.

Seriously, why did you pick the damn thing up to read to begin with?  What were you thinking?  "I hate murder mysteries, so Imma go ahead and read this murder mystery because I enjoy torturing myself with something I don't like so I can bitch about it on Amazon later."

Later:  [Review] "I absolutely hate murder mysteries, and this book was no exception. It's very much a murder mystery, which is why I hate it."

Really?  REALLY?

4.  Don't rate a book down because it isn't the way you'd write it.

This happens a lot with sequels.  It's one thing to not like the storyline as a whole.  It's a whole other ballgame when you give a book a bad rating because the author didn't write what you wanted them to write.  It's the author's world, not yours.  Write your own damn story if you're that certain you know what should be going on.

5.  Don't rate a book down because you disagree with the author's political/religious/personal views on whatever the hell you took offense to.

Authors are people.  We have our own thoughts, views, likes, dislikes, and so on.  If you enjoyed an author's book, then do not give it a bad rating because you think the author's stance on mandatory sentencing is stupid.  The book is NOT the author--it's a product, much like pencils.  I don't see any of you questioning the pencil factory employees about their personal beliefs, then refusing to buy pencils based on one employee's stance on a subject.  Why you would do that to authors is beyond me.

We have our personal blogs, Twitter accounts, and so forth, and we are ourselves on there.  Which is something fans scream about quite a bit, actually--"Why doesn't [insert famous/semi-famous person here] interact more?"  Then when they do, people run out and give their books/movies/whatever a bad rating as punishment for having their own thoughts.

If you're that type of reader, then you too need pimp slapped.

And there you have it, folks--some of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to idiot reviewing.  If you don't like a book, great.  Just be sure you don't like it for the right reasons, and don't be an asshat and rate it down for stupid reasons.  Incidents like these cause my faith in humanity to continue its downward death spiral, which is depressing.

Have any of YOU come across ridiculous and/or stupid reviews? Feel free to share your stories in the comments!

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