Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Трубка Eater - The Tube Eater by M. Aamir Naseer

Agnieszka and Anton watched through their fluorescent-activated goggles, at the toddler sat down on a seat. It sat staring at them, those orange shape-shifting eyes. Potently glaring eyes, like projecting floodlights. Fixated on them with an uncanny smile. The lights flickered inconsistently. They stood near a yellow line "pole". The doors had been bolted, it seemed supernaturally. They couldn't leave. Did they really want to? Considering that they were paranormal investigators.

The outside view was quite disturbing, dark and light grey particles of ash floating everywhere like snow. No one except them was present. They know they've passed through an alternative version of The Tube-London Underground. It wasn't active as it usually is. Or even lively.
They stood within the central part of an unusually functional train that was traveling in a loop. The middle and back parts of which had been broken off, nowhere to be seen. They'd known that those that had travelled in both parts had disappeared without any trace. It seemed like there had been a crash. But how was this possible one would think?

After so much flicker, the toddler was suddenly nowhere to be seen. They flinched everywhere with jolt. Their eyes dilated fiercely with panic as they stared past the flickering darkness. The goggles provided fluorescent light in directions their heads were facing, like a flashlight.

Something suddenly tore through their eardrums. It was a loud, deafening TV-like noise sound. They covered their ears. Within a few seconds they watched as the yellow poles begin to twist and pull to one side. When the lights went out completely for a few seconds, and came back on, the poles had been torn out. They'd felt a thump kind of pressure over their goggles. The flickering had stopped. Even the deafening sound too.

Strangely, the lens had been scratched. Useless? Not completely, the fluorescence continued to project. But with the lights now working, they had removed the goggles. Their breaths grew deep and slow. The lights from the outside went out in an instant. All black. Curiosity grew over their faces.

A loud sound of heavy breathing came over, their eyes stirred away following the sounds. It was coming from the front part of the train. Far into the blind darkness. With a sudden hard thump to the floor, the train rose into the air, with the end slamming against the ceiling. The once damaged front lights of the train, suddenly, slowly began to fluorescent.

A large head with a daunting cat-like face drew forward. With orange glaring eyes-the size of which if the tunnel size were of two halves. An uncanny smile stretched with soul-jolting menace. And that's when is happened. Its mouth dropped wide open. Agnieszka and Anton began to slide down to the front part of the train. Unable to brace themselves.
...

They were swallowed in through its mouth. Chewed on, as blood gushed spraying the insides of its mouth.

Then came the burp.

________________________________________________________________________

For more M. Aamir Naseer:

Twitter: @Aamir_Tw33ts
Website: http://authoraamir.wordpress.com/



23 comments:

  1. Love this genre (sci-fi/horror) and love the creativity! Great job working in the creepiness, and I can't wait to see more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Elise! For giving me this oppourtinty. Glad you liked this! =)

      Delete
  2. Terrific job, Aamir! I could really visualize it. And the ending was funny. Very clever. :)

    Best wishes,
    Lisette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lisette! It was great to pen down this piece of idea. I've had this idea for two years. TY so much my good person.

      Delete
  3. So descriptive in the best, most horrifying way! It was both terrifying and funny and the writing was intense. I loved it, Aamir!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Karen!!!! Deeply apprecaite your feedback. =)

      Delete
  4. OK the burp made me laugh. Super job. It is hard to write horror. If you can, get your hands on Bobbie Christmas's book 'Write in Style". It's my go to book. Amazing tricks. Working with it today. I also teach from it when I go into class rooms. Keep up the good work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Stacey! It's was quite tough to pen down, but i truly enjoyed it! Thank you for your kind advice. =)

      Delete
  5. Very creepy and I too like the burp at the end. If I could make one suggestion? You used "flickered/flickering" several times, might I suggest substituting "glimmering" or "pulsing"? :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Li!!! I will consider this great advice. I had felt at first to substitute words, but pressure came through. ;) TY!

      Delete
  6. Loved the concept. Watch past tense & present tense in the same paragraph. Otherwise, good visuals & details. I also liked the burp at the end. Brings a little humor to a creepy story. Hard to write flash fiction. Good job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks BJS!!! Really glad you liked the idea. I so knew the idea would click! :) TY for your great feedback. ;)

      Delete
  7. Wonderful creativity in this piece. Lots of great visualization. Nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TY Melissa!!! I'm deeply touched! The reponse has been great! TY so much for this. :)

      Delete
  8. Wonderfully imagery. I felt like I was there. Well done you:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Jane!!! Very sweet of you for this. Truly appreacite it. Always. :)

      Delete
  9. Wow Aamir - I didn't know where to look! If you know what I mean :-) The toddler, the train, the lights going on and off! Creepy, fast-paced and looking forward to what comes next. I agree with Li's comments above though and try to use different words - helps the reader along :-).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Sarah!!! Really excited you liked the concept, i too did feel it was fast-paced. But really glad it came together quite fine. I hold your advice close. TY! :)

      Delete
  10. Wonderfully descriptive, like everyone else said :-) I loved the imagery throughout, and the ending was both gruesome and funny -- perfect combination! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TY Helen!!! TY for your excellent feedback. The ending was a last minute idea, and it so worked! Really glad for this. TY so much Helen. :)

      Delete
  11. I would like to thank each one of my dear friends for taking the time to read and appreacite my work, my efforts. I'm deeply touched by this reponse. TY so much. I wish you all great health and success, always. Keep on rocking! ;)

    ReplyDelete